Sunday, April 25, 2010


last night was really bittersweet for me. this was elizabeth's last prom. it's also the next step towards her graduation.

when we adopted her, nearly 19 years ago, no one had a very positive outlook for her future.

if they could see her now.

i'm very proud of this sweet, stubborn, always happy, hardheaded, beautiful young woman. i wish her grandpa could have seen her last night.
she has come so far.
i remember looking at her, shortly after adoption, and could not imagine her as a one year old. when one was said and done i couldn't imagine her starting school. now her school years are ending.

there have been so many scary times in her life. times i was afraid i would lose her. she is an incredibly strong person. she has the will of a dozen people. it's gotten her this far. it's formed her into the person she is.

i thank God for her daily. even when she makes me so mad i could spit i never stop loving my red headed beauty.

i love you, elizabeth allison matthews.
sad day today. just started off horribly wrong. i'm seriously doubting it's anything that can ever be fixed. you know. things said and done, even in the heat of anger, sometimes you hear truths.

i was asked once why i had so many kids and pets. DUH! like that's a really hard thing to figure out. LOVE. that's it. my deep seated need to love and be loved. you know that illusive thing that is just out of reach.

things said hurt me to the core. i don't forget. i just try to move on. the problem is, each and every hurtful thing just weighs more and more on my soul. i go on for a while, thinking things are good, maybe even great. never fails someone has to remind you of your shortcomings and failures. like i don't already know.

life is hard and i am tired.

Saturday, April 24, 2010


one of my friends has had a weight loss of FIFTY pounds.  yes, i said fifty.  i am so proud of you, suzy.
another friend has decided to get healthy with her husband.  and, yet another friend, has decided to make healthy lifestyle changes when she found out she was headed towards diabetes.  i admire them because i know how difficult it is to stop being complacent and make an effort to change.

this morning i was thinking of how i could make some healthy changes in our lives.  i can't put the whole family on the diet suzy was on, nor can all of my children do weight watchers, which another friend is doing.
i decided that we're going to start eating serving sizes and i'll check the calories of each meal to see where we can make healthier changes.

this is where the "OH MY GOSH" comes in.
when my children were taken one thing cps (child protective services)  tried to pick apart was how my kids were fed.  one thing everyone that knows anything about me understands is that my children do not go hungry!  while in foster care one of my sons was asked if he ever went without eating.  he said "heck, no.  i get seconds and even thirds, if i want them."  this child was very short and thin for his age.  he ate like a grown man.  we could see him growing but he was never overweight.

this morning i checked the calories the kids ate at breakfast.  when i was done i was sick to my stomach and immediately wanted to take back all i had just given them! 
1sausage patty             200 calories
1 hash brown              140 calories
3 eggs (approx.)          210 calories
1 1/2 milk                    120 calories
2tsp. chocolate              33 calories

this was a grand total of 703 calories and did not include one fruit or veggie. 

i'm a big woman.  i honestly don't eat much in quantity.  never could figure out how i got so fat.  i also never stopped to check the calories of what i was putting in my mouth.
several of my kids are overweight, as is dale.  it is so obvious why, and it starts with me.
i love to cook.  it's a hobby and a way to show love to my family.  now i realize i'm loving them to death.

cps turned their noses up when we told them our kids ate cereal, yogurt, fruit, and had juice for breakfast.  of course, they had milk in their cereal. 
i haven't added up those calories yet but even if they total what we had this morning i know they'll be far healthier.

wow. i'm still in shock.

so starts a new journey in the lives of the matthews family. 

Friday, April 23, 2010

allergies and infusions

here is my beautiful girl.  always smiling.  her nose is red from sneezing and wiping.  her allergies are bad this spring.
she's wrapped in a blanket while she gets her infusion.  forgot to take it out of the fridge a half hour before she got it.

to be more like this young woman....

my crazy darlin'

elizabeth just had to try on mckenna's softball helmet.
the funny thing is, she didn't want to take it off.  what a nut!  mckenna hates it.  mom loves it. 
matthew once got hit in the face with a baseball.  the result was one broken nose.
mckenna's just gonna have to get used to it.

elizabeth is receiving her first infusion via mom.
it's easy but i'm very nervous having the port so close to her heart.  she wants me to help her shower when we're done.  YIKES!

dale is upstairs laying tile in the new half bath.  it will be so nice to have a bathroom between the guest room and the boys' room, even if it is just a half bath.

did something unexpected today.  groomed my outdoor dogs.  actually, dale did justice and half of jett.  lol
i did bully and the other half of jett with dale's help.  my beautiful boys will be neutered soon and my females all spay.  then the boys can come out of their pen.  they are gorgeous dogs.  i'll have to add pictures later.

ahhhh, how nice to ramble here as long as i want without anyone telling me i've used too many letters!
another nice thing is i don't really care if anyone follows or not.  LOL!!

going to eat some more chicken gizzards and fix something for the kids.
my blood sugar was 318 this morning.  i need to make low carb stuff and keep it handy.
wow!  got knocked for a loop last night.  bad stomach cramps and a 101 temp.
tonight i feel so much better.
dale was wiped out, too.  headache and so tired.  i told him i thought we should stay home last night. i didn't think there was anyway we could make it to church.  as soon as i told him that he passed out and slept for hours.

elizabeth got her first infusion today.  now her dad and i have to do it.  seems simple enough.  the worst part is making sure we keep the port immaculate.  any bacteria would go directly into her blood stream. 
the home health nurse couldn't have been any nicer.

prom is saturday night.  i need to work on elizabeth's mask.  i got her a beautiful scarf to cover her bandages.  my dil is sending a pair of earrings.  as soon as i see them i want to try and make a necklace to match.  omg!  i forgot we need to get her a corsage!

it's 3 a.m.  time to sleep or at least rest. 

i'll try to get more into posting every day.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

been a LONG time

i really need to use a blog instead of facebook.  interesting week, so far.

i had a doctor appointment.

elizabeth went to get her PICC line and start her infusion.  she developed "red man" syndrome so they had to slow the infusion down.  she's missed a lot of school lately.

chat more later.  i need to get up and do something.